The real victims will be blah blah blah


ROTFLMAO!

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Lakewood Church Issues Eclipse Glasses For Gazing At Joel Osteen’s Teeth

Babylon Bee, of course… 🙂

HOUSTON, TX—The rumors are confirmed: local authorities have instructed Lakewood Church to issue eclipse glasses to any churchgoer who might catch a glimpse of Joel Osteen’s brilliant teeth.

“It’s just no longer worth the risk,” public health official Riley Carnicella told reporters. “Every weekend in this great city, 52,000 people are exposed. Who knows how much irreversible eye damage has already occurred.”

 

Nation’s Liberals Announce ‘Day Without A Protest’ Protest

U.S.—America’s progressives have arranged yet another nationwide demonstration dubbed the “Day Without A Protest” demonstration, in which participants will stay home and not angrily protest anything and everything that provokes their ire, a liberal spokesperson announced Wednesday.

“The country will be forced to see exactly what it looks like to enjoy a whole day without people protesting in their towns and cities,” the representative for the protest told reporters.

“Soon, the nation will realize just how terrible it is to suffer through 24 hours of peace and civility in our cities’ streets.”

At publishing time, the “Day Without A Protest” announcement had turned violent, igniting riots and lootings throughout the nation.