(Gotta love the Onion. Let’s hope folks realize it is the Onion, lest they start tearing down statues of astronauts… 😉 )
Babylon Bee, of course… 🙂
HOUSTON, TX—The rumors are confirmed: local authorities have instructed Lakewood Church to issue eclipse glasses to any churchgoer who might catch a glimpse of Joel Osteen’s brilliant teeth.
“It’s just no longer worth the risk,” public health official Riley Carnicella told reporters. “Every weekend in this great city, 52,000 people are exposed. Who knows how much irreversible eye damage has already occurred.”
U.S.—America’s progressives have arranged yet another nationwide demonstration dubbed the “Day Without A Protest” demonstration, in which participants will stay home and not angrily protest anything and everything that provokes their ire, a liberal spokesperson announced Wednesday.
“The country will be forced to see exactly what it looks like to enjoy a whole day without people protesting in their towns and cities,” the representative for the protest told reporters.
“Soon, the nation will realize just how terrible it is to suffer through 24 hours of peace and civility in our cities’ streets.”
At publishing time, the “Day Without A Protest” announcement had turned violent, igniting riots and lootings throughout the nation.
‘First World problems’… 🙂
GAINESVILLE, FL – Reading reports from a conference on white privilege held at the University of Florida, local immigrant Diana Yahaira Vasquez Alban, couldn’t help but empathize with the pain and suffering of minority students and academic staff in American colleges, which appeared to be much worse than the poverty and crime she had experienced in her native South America.
“I had no idea that such discrimination existed in this country, and I feel bad for these poor people,” said the 26-year-old Green Card holder from Peru, who was moved to tears by the coverage of the event in the UF’s online student newspaper, Independent Florida Alligator.
Held at the University of Florida’s Center for the Study of Race and Race Relations, the conference focused on drawing attention to white privilege, which is the science that explains how persons born with white skin are granted…
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Just like one of them pretentious TED talks.
(Hat tip: peterike2)