An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed:
‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN…
DON’T YOU EVER STOP ? !’
Och aye, lassie! 🙂
A helicopter pilot started having engine trouble while flying over the Scottish Highlands, and he had to make an emergency landing in the middle of a sheep pasture. He got out and walked over to where the shepherd was sitting and smoking his pipe.
“I say, good fellow,” the pilot said, “can you tell me where I might find a mechanic?”
The shepherd shook his head.
“Nae, laddie,” he said. “But I kin tell ye where t’ find a McPherson or a McCormick.”
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
A hungry truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, french fries, and a chocolate milkshake.
No sooner had the waitress brought the trucker his lunch than three motorcycles pulled up, and three burly bikers came inside. The first grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger, the second took his fries, and the third took his milkshake.
Saying nothing, the trucker got up, paid the cashier, and left.
When the trucker was gone, one of the bikers said, “He sure ain’t much of a man.”
“He’s not much of a driver, either,” said the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”