Tag Archives for humour

Beyond Vegetables

via Beyond Vegetables

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Over the top review of disliked beverage

C’mon; tell us how you really feel, bro:

Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth. It tastes like sucking the cock off a rotten corpse, and I mean OFF, not on. Like you suck on it till the whole skin casing breaks loose and slides into your throat, bringing most of the insides with it. It dissolves into a mess of rancid fat and decaying veins leavened in congealed blood, smearing through your mouth like Vaseline.

You spit it out but it’s too late, your tongue has had a stroke and you’ve defecated in your pants. You can never forget the horror of it and the taste will live with you for the rest of your days.

I thought about writing this up like a Lovecraft “found narrative” parody, but Lovecraft deals in cosmic horror, this is visceral. This is like sucking puss out of the drainage tubes where your dog got stitches.

This drink is very, very bad and I do not know why it exists in this world. It truly makes me wonder if we do, indeed, live in Hell and this is a drink devised for the exceptionally bad sinners out there.

[…]

The taste is hard to describe. Like I said earlier, a charitable soul would say burned chocolate. A soul that charitable would also forgive my spit roasting their child. The taste is almost forgotten, and I am not going to try to bring that back – instead I’ll leave it at that.

The texture though, the consistency… That was what nearly killed me on the first go round, it’s thick thick thick and slimy, more like drinking liquid fat than anything wholesome. You know what, as for the taste, go back to paragraph one. There’s no truth or goodness left in the world, and no words that can explain what the fuck this is supposed to be.

Hilarious.