Babylon Bee, of course… 🙂
HOUSTON, TX—The rumors are confirmed: local authorities have instructed Lakewood Church to issue eclipse glasses to any churchgoer who might catch a glimpse of Joel Osteen’s brilliant teeth.
“It’s just no longer worth the risk,” public health official Riley Carnicella told reporters. “Every weekend in this great city, 52,000 people are exposed. Who knows how much irreversible eye damage has already occurred.”
Rewind to Tuesday, January 10. Poland’s foreign minister is in New York to drum up support for his country’s bid for a non-permanent seat on the Security Council in 2018-’19. And it’s going well, Witold Waszczykowski tells the assembled Polish press corps: “I have had meetings with officials from more than 20 countries, including some Caribbean nations with which we have never had bilateral diplomatic contact before. Countries like Belize, and San Escobar”.
The Belizeans must have been delighted. But the San Escobarians can’t have been: that country simply does not exist. Poland’s internet community picked up quickly on the gaffe, and directed howls of derision at Waszczykowski. A foreign ministry spokesperson tried to limit the damage by hastily explaining that the minister, tired after a 22-hour flight, had simply misspoken: he was actually referring to St Kitts and Nevis, a two-island Caribbean state known in Spanish as San Cristóbal y Nieves.
To no avail: it was too late. By the end of the week, San Escobar was a many-splendoured reality, albeit an entirely virtual one, and one whose main raison d’être seemed to be to mock the minister and his right-wing government. Witold Waszczykowski had inadvertently created one of the new year’s first major internet memes.
Sounds good! 🙂
Because I’d never cooked one before!
- whole chicken
- 1/2 full can of beer (put the rest in a bread, or the cook)
- 2tbsp hoisin sauce
- 1tbsp onion powder
- 1tsp mustard
- 1tsp paprika
- mixing bowl and fork
- baking tray
- skewers for emergency propping
- Place the chicken over the beercan, the further in the can goes the more stable it will be.
- Prop the chicken with skewers anyway because a chicken on a beercan is stupidly unsteady.
- Mix the sauce ingredients together. Slather all over the chicken. We want it looking fake-tanned!
- Roast in a preheated oven at 160C for 2h.
- Roast at 230C for a few minutes to crisp up.
- Make gravy with the drippings and remaining beer in the can.
In the traffic court of a large city, a woman was brought before a rather tired-looking judge to answer for a ticket she’d received for running a red light. She informed the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to school on time.
The judge brightened up immediately. “I’ve waited for years to have a schoolteacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table, and write ‘I drove through a red light’ five hundred times.”
A California burglary suspect has been arrested after police say he left a key piece of evidence at the crime scene when he forgot to flush the toilet.
Investigators say Andrew Jensen’s sample in the toilet bowl at the home in Los Angeles suburb of Thousand Oaks matched DNA on an FBI database.
The 42-year-old was arrested on 28 July nearly a year after the residential burglary in October 2016.
Police said they collect any type of evidence left behind at crime scenes.
Let that be a lesson to us all. 😉