Babylon Bee, of course… 🙂
HOUSTON, TX—The rumors are confirmed: local authorities have instructed Lakewood Church to issue eclipse glasses to any churchgoer who might catch a glimpse of Joel Osteen’s brilliant teeth.
“It’s just no longer worth the risk,” public health official Riley Carnicella told reporters. “Every weekend in this great city, 52,000 people are exposed. Who knows how much irreversible eye damage has already occurred.”